Are You Serious?

ecardinfertility

I don’t generally think such violent thoughts

Here I am with my up front, read it first disclaimer:  If you read something in here that you have said to me..  I probably don’t remember that it was you. I just remember the pain. I take nothing personal but sometimes we (yes including me) say (or do) things that hurt.

I love my friends and family and do-gooders trying to help me.  I really really do! However sometime people don’t really think about what they say and do before they say it. I don’t hold grudges or bitterness against these people. Its life and its happens. If you haven’t been through it you may just have no idea that it could hurt someone.  And bottom line (to me..remember this is my blog and my opinion and you are free to have a different one) is that how I react or take something is my problem, and same goes for you. If you’re offended.. that’s your problem. If someone knows they hurt me or do something intentional to hurt me, that totally sucks and I’m probably not in acquaintance with that type of people haha! 99% of the time I think people just have no idea that something they said or did hurt someone else. My theory is this: “forgive them for they know not what they do”. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness the past couple months and Its totally freeing! (You should try it)!

Maybe I’m Biased?

I feel like I handle life differently than some people. If I shared this in my previous post I’m sorry you get to read it twice. But I heard of this woman who would totally break down and not be friends with her friends if they got pregnant.  I’m just not like that.  So when people ask things like “Why haven’t you had kids”? or “When are you having kids”? It bugs me and depending on the day (or time of month haha) it may hurt more or less than the previous time I was asked.  I try to maintain a positive outlook on life and my fertility/infertility.  I’m legitimately happy for people when they have kids. I love kids and I think that every good parent deserves them.
Now I’m not saying that I don’t break down and have my moments…  But by the strength and grace of God I don’t stay in those moments very long.

Here are a few things that I’ve been told/asked that my response, albeit internal, has been:  Are you serious?
“God’s just making sure you really want them”
“Have you tried this (or that)”
“Why dont you go on birth control?”
“Just relax”
“You need to do this (or that)”
“Whats wrong with you”
“Whats wrong with him”
“You’re a little behind”
“When are you going to have kids”
..”if you have kids”

-I’m sure there have been more..

People say these things but they don’t mean to hurt.  I take the pain, deal with it and move on. Sometimes its a little harder to move on, or a little longer of a cry. But really I know where I stand with God and I know that I’ll be ok no matter.
These direct to me comments hurt a whole lot less than some other things (I’ll get to that in a minute)

Side Note-

I’m kind of struggling here writing this.. I don’t know if its because I want to make things sound “just right” or if I’m just not used to sharing so publicly…  So please just read at your own risk, and try to understand.

try to understand

Some can, some cant.

 

Understand?

One definition of understand or understanding is:  To know by what is not expressed. Another is to be informed by other and to learn.

I am writing this blog because people asked questions and I want to answer, I want to inform.  I hope and pray that what you get out of my writing will help you to learn, learn what ever it is that you’re looking for or what you may not be looking for (that’s a fun kind of learning!

Groups of People

In person I’ve been an open book. You ask I’ll tell… to a degree. Let me explain. If someone wants to ask me about my issues and what I’m going through physically. I’ll tell them. There are semi strangers, and acquaintances who know what my period has been like the past few months..  My mom, sisters, and nieces know even a few more bloody details!  Friends know whats happening in general with my physical fertility journey. But not many know the emotional ups and downs… Some know it. Some understand it. Some try to understand. And some don’t ask.
I dont care what I get asked. To me I want to serve people who need it (or who God needs me to serve) so when someone asks personal questions I take it and answer it. No big deal.  If they ask an emotional question I may or may not answer. It all depends on the person and the question.
I kinda sorta feel like there are groups of people that I’ve classified people into.
-Others in my same boat. I’ve got a small handful of friends who have been through or are going through same or similar situations. Some of us talk more than others, but we have a quiet heart to heart bond that understands eachother.
-Family and friends. They know what I’m going through and help me when I’m down and rejoice when I rejoice.
-Acquaintances/do gooders. They want to help. And they do, in  their own way. I try to take what they do as good and help them know they are helping.
-People who have no idea. They just have no comprehension of the situation. And that’s ok.

I don’t classify these people to judge or to put them in a box, or even to classify one higher than another.  I think I’ve just kind of subconsciously done it. Now its out on “paper” and it makes sense to me.

More Painful…

prayingfor

I mentioned earlier that I’d get to something that is far more painful than the direct comments. You would think that it would be the direct comments that are more painful. No its the the things like:

“Does someone want to take my kids”
“Kids for sale”
“I dont feel like a human being”
“Being a mom sucks”
“Pregnancy is the pits”
*Complain, Complain
*excuse, excuse
Even the things that go around facebook like the “I’m having twins” joke that went around a while ago. Or the one I’ve seen about what your kids would really be named (ie. Drunken prom night, broken condom, etc).  Just not cool, or funny in my opinion.

I understand that parenting is hard. (I know several people that will argue that I can say I understand…).  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be able to vent or get help and strength from other mamas trying to stay awake at 2:00  in the afternoon when the kids are going crazy.  I’m not saying there aren’t hard days and that we all have to be super mom. Trust me, I get it!  There is a fine line for me, between I understand you and I feel for you vs I’m so upset and I’m crying in my bed right now (and I’m not sure if its more for me or for you).
There’s a difference in how you ladies do it. Some of you are having a hard day and it sucks and you vent and you get on with being a great mama, and you take the love and support from your friends.  Some of you (excuse the french) bitch and moan and dont want anyones help or advice when you put it out there that today has been crappy  you just argue with the people trying to help you!  I think it boils down to the fact that several things need to be taken into consideration here.  Mainly personality.  Personalities are different and people do things differently and I’m ok to accept that. And I feel like its accepted if I can be me. #liferight

offerme

I’ve been pretty serious about this sometimes!

 

I guess my bottom line for this topic is this:
We all have our ups and downs. We all are going through trials. We all want the best for each other. Be kind
If you have the choice between being right and being kind? Be kind! (Yep I stole that from the movie Wonder.. Y’all should go see it!)

be-kind-quote

 

Real Quick-

Because I’m trying to answer questions people have asked me and want to cover everything here’s a couple more things I want to mention.

Someone asked what would be helpful from a friend.  Quite honestly it’d be nice if it wasn’t so taboo.  I understand its personal and even me with some of my other infertile friends I wonder what to say and what not to say.  But a little “attention” for lack of a better word, would be nice. A card, a nice gesture, or something to say I’m thinking of you. It may or may not need to mention any personal situations. But its a journey where you feel very much alone and if you had some kind of “I’m here for you, Youre not alone” gesture, it would help during those low times.

I think it varies from friend to friend or situation to situation. I think you’d need to figure out the balance with each particular friend. Sometimes its totally different what you need from one person vs another.

If your reading this as another infertile gal, its ok to ask for something.
“I need some encouragement”
“I need some juice”
“I need a shoulder to cry on”
It doesnt need to be that emotional either, Just “Hey come over for dinner” or “Lets have a girls night” will work fine too.

If you reading this as a friend of an infertile..  Its ok to ask.  Just please dont say: “if you need anything I’m here” or “let me know if you need anything”

Be specific:  “Can I come bring you Ice cream and chocolate”
“How has your day been? want to visit?”
Heck dont even ask just send something fun in the mail. or post some inspirational quotes and tag your friend.  Or same as above- “lets do lunch” or “lets go to a movie”

I’m drawing a blank for now so I must be done writing..
Keep in touch, ask me anything, enjoy!

PS- Yep I know it feels choppy but if you needed it you found it. ❤

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The Facts Of (my) Life

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Sunrise from my bedroom window

Prologue

Fact is defined a couple of ways. One is a case that is indisputable like: The sun rises in the east.  Another is parts and pieces used for a report (like for a news report or something).  For the beginning  of this post I’m going to tell you I’ll be using both definitions. I’ll share bits and pieces of my life and my story with you and for me they are indisputable.  I’m sharing my opinion and my story how I’ve lived it and experienced it. Someone else may have  similar scenarios or experiences and most definitely opinions.  I’m not closed to hearing them or discussing them I’d love to talk, visit, discuss. But in the end you do whats best for you, and me for me. I love hearing other women’s stories, and I love sharing mine when the opportunities arise. This is private, personal and special and I feel like part of the (many) reason I’ve gone through this is to help other girls and women with their stories and their growth.

women

Am I old fashioned to think its empowering to help women? Independence is good but so is receiving and giving help.

The reason I say these things is because I feel like my story is different from a lot of peoples. I have different ideas, views, personality, etc. I’m going to be real and raw as I write and I’m not holding anything back. I only say that because I hope none of you are offended. I’m not expecting you to be offended, I just think if something comes out that you’ve said to me or something please don’t take it personal. I don’t think we as humans think before we speak or act as often as we maybe should. Me included. I’m sure there are many times I’ve said or done something stupid that hurt someones feelings.  For me the things I’ve been through with infertility are my own issues, as it is with everyone, if you’re offended sorry that’s your problem.

rosesdaisy

I’m a daisy in a bouquet of roses

One last (but NOT least) thing before I get in to the “Facts of Life”.   I am a spiritual/religious person and the hope and faith that I have in God, and my Savior have quite literally been the thing  that keeps me going sometimes. And as I said before: I’m not keeping anything out.

jesusandgirl

He loves me!

So whats it like?

In one sentence:  Its like the biggest argument you’ve ever had between your head and your heart. Let me give you some examples.

Yearly:
Head: *sigh*  “Seriously, another year? Why me? Whats wrong with me? Why can ‘she’ get pregnant and not me’?
Heart: “Look at you go! You’re amazing and strong and look at all the growth you had this year! Look at how many women you helped. Yeah it sucks but we got this! Go me!”

Monthly:
Head: “Will this be the month? Where’s the cheapest deal on pregnancy test? Will I even have a period this month? Whats happening with my body? Is that good? Should I worry? Do I count that as a period”?
Heart: “Celebrate! You’re bleeding!  Celebrate! You have cramps!  Celebrate! Your boobs hurt! Celebrate! Somethings happening!”
*Side-note, I’ve had irregular periods my whole menstruating life, hence the argument example here.

Weekly:
Head:  “So and so announced she’s pregnant- *cry/be depressed*.  I need to go to the Dr tomorrow, I wonder what we’ll do today? I need a hot bath.  I wonder what cycle day I’m on- did I miss ovulation?”
Heart: “I’m so happy for so and so! I’m so motivated to do *fill in the blank*!  I’m ok with life, I can face life with a little more hope and a little more faith. I trust in God’s plan for me and I’d much rather His plan than my own!”
*I’ve learned to trust Gods plan not my own, though its easier said than done.

Daily:
Head: “Have I taken my pills?  Did I take my prenatals? I should have a green smoothie but I’d prefer this ice cream!  I think I’m supposed to start soon… *looks at calendar*.  I wonder how long I’m going to have to wait?”
Heart: “Just keep working at it! Try to do better than days before. Go on a walk. Go sew a baby quilt.  Take a hot bath. Relax. Be grateful. Pray. Love. Listen. …”

~~~

I have been so blessed in being raised by parents who taught me about being positive and relying on the savior. With out those I’m sure I’d be continuously in the “head” scenarios!
My niece recently told me about a thread she was reading on Facebook where the woman was afraid of telling her friend she was pregnant.  This said friend would break down and end up not being friends anymore with people who her friends who announced they were pregnant… To me that’s extreme, and I say that with all the love in my heart. People grieve how the grieve and I don’t judge. I feel for her and her emotional trial. I hope and pray she may gain the hope and strength she needs.  I’ll still be your friend whether you have kids or not, but please don’t be afraid to tell me!

dontunpack

I’m ok with a melt down. Its amazing what happens after!

These things come and go, the term emotional roller coaster is one I’m very well acquainted with!  I let me be me and I try to be better than I was yesterday (whether it be emotional, physical, or spiritual).

1strow

Which do you chose?

Life is about choices. We let things (like being human) get in the way.  We think our happiness is based on what someone else does or what they think of us.
Its not! You choose from minute to minute how you react and what your going to do next!
Sometimes I’m a 3rd row-er. Sometimes, and I really try for most of the time to be a front row-er! Occasionally I’ll hang out in the second row.  Sometimes- mid swell I’ll jump back and forth between first and third.

A Few More Facts

  • I used to be afraid of the word infertility.  It’s a scary word. Its not something I wanted to accept. I’ve since accepted it but not permanently.  Kind of like the quote “I have fat, I’m not fat” ..  I went through it. I dealt with it.  etc. But in the end I am a fertile.
  • I have multiple baby, birth, pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc pins.  Some people may think that its weird.. But to me. I have the plan and the hope that I’m going to need those. I’m not going to just sit and wallow in the fact that I don’t have kids. Like a boy scout, I’m prepared 😉
  • In general and about 90% of the time, I have a positive attitude about life in general and about this journey of infertility.
  • I’ve chosen to work on healing and curing my problems rather than conventional medicine which I believe will just cover or mask my problems or cause worse chaos in my body. I am not opposed to conventional thing but my favorite scripture that has gotten me through a LOT in life is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. and its not time for me right now. I feel like each step I’ve taken and each Dr. I’ve seen has all been perfect timing for me and my body, my husband, and even my babies.

 

time

You’d think I would have this memorized… maybe I need to work on that!

I have a few other blog posts in mind based off of previous questions and comments and I’d love to answer your questions or write something you specifically want to know about so… let me know.
Until next time-
Deborah

I’m Still Here

Its been a good year since last I wrote.  It has been a good, full, exciting, stressful, fun, and *enter other awesome adjective here*  year!

Today I wanted to write about something that’s been on my mind lately…  It comes in the definition of a few things:
1-Take care of yourself  and 2-reduce stress

I am the type to always say “yes”!  Not only to others but to myself as well.  I am invincible. I can do that. I can be done with these 20 things in one week. Sure I’ll take on another project.

What does this do? It causes me to stress out and worry and hope everything goes well. Make sure everyone else is taken care of. Make sure everyone is happy.

I am here to tell you, again because I’m sure you already have heard it,  Take care of yourself first!  And its 1000% ok to say no!
I am all about service and helping people and doing what I can to help another in need.  However if I’m not capable of doing it well, I don’t want to help them in a half full capacity!

Over the past little bit of this “I’m invincible” state I was in.  I came to learn (again..this is one of those life long lessons) that in order to help them, I have to help me!

I was overwhelmed!  Mentally, I was stressed and worried all the time. Physically I felt like my “happy space” in my home wasn’t happy anymore and it was encroaching on my happy space it used to be!

So the past few months, actually about 6 to be exact. I have begun to take care of things that need to be taken care of.  Some of it mental has come first and some of it physical has come first. Like in January my mom came to visit and we got rid of about 16 bags of garbage, and about 8 big boxes of things that were donated, ALL out of my kitchen!  And my kitchen isn’t that big!   Its been a bit of a process but things are happening.

My Dr gave me a list of things I need to work on and on the list it said:  Reduce stress- Take care of things don’t take things on.
In my head it was like a light bulb- yes those are the words that I’ve been doing but didn’t have a way to put it! I’m taking care of stuff that needs it to make my sanity and mental state prime!  So that life can be “regularly stressful” instead of “constant stress and overwhelming-ness” 😉

I am making it ok to say “I’m going to sit on the porch with my puppy and do a long overdue blog post”
I’m taking the day as it comes and making sure at the end of the day I say “Check out what I did!”  instead of saying “well today sucked because I didn’t do this and this, and I still have this and this”

Go do something for you!

Just a short note today.. But I’ll be back sooner than next year!

D

 

The Past Couple of Days…Weeks…Years

 

 

Through life we go through journeys, paths, roads, adventures….all of the above? right?   sometimes it feels like this:

  Smooth sailing!  beautiful day!  happy music playing, full tank of gas!
 
Some days we feel more like this:
 
 
    up and down.. tummy turning.. maybe a little dizzy?
 
some days it more like this:
 
  Mud hole! Spinning wheels! need help! can the help, help or just watch?  how did I get here? how can I get out? 
 
 
Some days it could be like this:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
it didn’t make you stuck in the mud hole but the hit sure hurt!  is there permanent damage?  crap! my tire is flat!   delays ahead!
 
 
 
 
 
 
What about days like this!
 
 
 

  cant think because the surrounding area is too dirty and murky!

 
what about this:
 
  obviously you cant get through it…well I suppose you could but would that be the best choice?  do you turn around?  
 
  
For me the past couple/few years I have been down many of these roads and more!  (not literally!  these are all google images  hehe)!
I have ran into emotional blocks like depression and anger.   I have ran into physical stop signs with issues concerning the goals I am trying to accomplish such as, goal weight, internal issues, and having babies. 
I have come to many closed gates… what did I do?  I got out and opened them!!!  how did I do that?  well sometimes it felt like this:
 
Cold and windy,  no protection, all alone… yet I made it to the gate and opened it to new adventures, a new path and a new journey!
 
I have been on a road of learning and education and I has been amazing!  I do not and will never regret it!  the things I have learned and the growth I have made has just been incredible! 
I am not saying I have stopped learning or growing, nor that I will stop studying and putting forth the time and energy to learn the things that I need to!  what I am saying is…. well it reminds me of stair cases like these:
 
 
 
You have a long set of stairs ahead of you!   But with each “few” stairs there is a break!  you start your journey with one step! you get to the top, you get  break, a drink, a reward, an answer…etc…  then begins the next steps!  you still have the steps behind that have brought you here to this point… and you have completed that mission, if you will.  well do you want to stay on that landing?  no thanks!  I’ll keep going! my goal is at the top!  I’ll take that step up the next set of stairs to get me there!
 
The past couple of weeks (ok it may have been a month by now), I have been on the last few steps toward a landing!  I took each step as it came!  I looked forward to what I needed to accomplish, and I have made it to the landing! 
 
The past few days I have “recuperated” (for lack of a better word) and I have stretched my calves, gotten a drink, and took a deep breath!  and I am SO ready to begin the next set of stairs!!  I am at the bottom of this set… its just the beginning!  But I will make it to the top no matter the time it takes, no matter the cost (literal and figurative), no matter the pain!   I am not alone!  I will and can do this!
 
I am so grateful to my husband, my mom, my sisters, my family, my friends and acquaintances and even some strangers!  For your love and support as I learn and grow through this journey!!   
 
Take the time to live in the moment!  look past the pain to the goal!  When you are focused on the pain, you’re only thinking of yourself… think of those around you! think about those who look to you.  and think of those you’re fighting for!
  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sisters Are Like Stars

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Sisters are like stars, you cant always see them, but you know they are there! 

For one of my birthdays 9 or 10 years ago, my sister Teresa gave me a paper with that quote printed on it and some fun bright colored stars and shooting stars.  I didn’t know then how much that paper would mean to me in 10 years!  it is now framed hanging in my hallway.  Some day I also want that quote that says because we have part of our family in heaven we have part of heaven in our home!  That is where Teresa is… in heaven, looking after me, my other sisters, my brothers, her children, and her family!

I used to hear “old folks” say things like “I remember exactly what I was doing and where I was when…(insert some major world event)”  for some reason I just didn’t understand how and why they would remember that!  Well then I had major things happen to me! (or in my life)  Like my sister dying.  (my dad and grandma in the two consecutive years).   And guess what?  I can replay that day like it was yesterday!!  I realize now what those “old folks” went through and how and why they remembered exactly what happened and where they were! 

Teresa left this world physically 8 years ago.  She is still here!  She is with her oldest daughter as she experiences life as a wife and mother!  She is holding her second daughters hand as she learns what road to walk down and while she goes through a time in life that is hard for everyone!  She is with her son as he grows up and becomes a man, a strength, to his family!  And she is holding her youngest daughter, although she remembers very little of her mom, as she grows up and becomes a young woman!

And she was with me today pushing me to step outside my comfort zone!  she is there when I need someone to talk to, and there when I need some strength, and someone to lean on!

I have no doubt that she is and will always be around helping and serving us where ever we need it! 

Teresa, 

I miss you so much!  sometimes I wonder how life has gone on with out you! then I realize it hasn’t! you’re still here!  I can still tell you all about my hopes and dreams and wishes!  and you still believe in me like you have my entire life!!  I love you!!!!

Deborah