The Facts Of (my) Life

IMG_4565

Sunrise from my bedroom window

Prologue

Fact is defined a couple of ways. One is a case that is indisputable like: The sun rises in the east.  Another is parts and pieces used for a report (like for a news report or something).  For the beginning  of this post I’m going to tell you I’ll be using both definitions. I’ll share bits and pieces of my life and my story with you and for me they are indisputable.  I’m sharing my opinion and my story how I’ve lived it and experienced it. Someone else may have  similar scenarios or experiences and most definitely opinions.  I’m not closed to hearing them or discussing them I’d love to talk, visit, discuss. But in the end you do whats best for you, and me for me. I love hearing other women’s stories, and I love sharing mine when the opportunities arise. This is private, personal and special and I feel like part of the (many) reason I’ve gone through this is to help other girls and women with their stories and their growth.

women

Am I old fashioned to think its empowering to help women? Independence is good but so is receiving and giving help.

The reason I say these things is because I feel like my story is different from a lot of peoples. I have different ideas, views, personality, etc. I’m going to be real and raw as I write and I’m not holding anything back. I only say that because I hope none of you are offended. I’m not expecting you to be offended, I just think if something comes out that you’ve said to me or something please don’t take it personal. I don’t think we as humans think before we speak or act as often as we maybe should. Me included. I’m sure there are many times I’ve said or done something stupid that hurt someones feelings.  For me the things I’ve been through with infertility are my own issues, as it is with everyone, if you’re offended sorry that’s your problem.

rosesdaisy

I’m a daisy in a bouquet of roses

One last (but NOT least) thing before I get in to the “Facts of Life”.   I am a spiritual/religious person and the hope and faith that I have in God, and my Savior have quite literally been the thing  that keeps me going sometimes. And as I said before: I’m not keeping anything out.

jesusandgirl

He loves me!

So whats it like?

In one sentence:  Its like the biggest argument you’ve ever had between your head and your heart. Let me give you some examples.

Yearly:
Head: *sigh*  “Seriously, another year? Why me? Whats wrong with me? Why can ‘she’ get pregnant and not me’?
Heart: “Look at you go! You’re amazing and strong and look at all the growth you had this year! Look at how many women you helped. Yeah it sucks but we got this! Go me!”

Monthly:
Head: “Will this be the month? Where’s the cheapest deal on pregnancy test? Will I even have a period this month? Whats happening with my body? Is that good? Should I worry? Do I count that as a period”?
Heart: “Celebrate! You’re bleeding!  Celebrate! You have cramps!  Celebrate! Your boobs hurt! Celebrate! Somethings happening!”
*Side-note, I’ve had irregular periods my whole menstruating life, hence the argument example here.

Weekly:
Head:  “So and so announced she’s pregnant- *cry/be depressed*.  I need to go to the Dr tomorrow, I wonder what we’ll do today? I need a hot bath.  I wonder what cycle day I’m on- did I miss ovulation?”
Heart: “I’m so happy for so and so! I’m so motivated to do *fill in the blank*!  I’m ok with life, I can face life with a little more hope and a little more faith. I trust in God’s plan for me and I’d much rather His plan than my own!”
*I’ve learned to trust Gods plan not my own, though its easier said than done.

Daily:
Head: “Have I taken my pills?  Did I take my prenatals? I should have a green smoothie but I’d prefer this ice cream!  I think I’m supposed to start soon… *looks at calendar*.  I wonder how long I’m going to have to wait?”
Heart: “Just keep working at it! Try to do better than days before. Go on a walk. Go sew a baby quilt.  Take a hot bath. Relax. Be grateful. Pray. Love. Listen. …”

~~~

I have been so blessed in being raised by parents who taught me about being positive and relying on the savior. With out those I’m sure I’d be continuously in the “head” scenarios!
My niece recently told me about a thread she was reading on Facebook where the woman was afraid of telling her friend she was pregnant.  This said friend would break down and end up not being friends anymore with people who her friends who announced they were pregnant… To me that’s extreme, and I say that with all the love in my heart. People grieve how the grieve and I don’t judge. I feel for her and her emotional trial. I hope and pray she may gain the hope and strength she needs.  I’ll still be your friend whether you have kids or not, but please don’t be afraid to tell me!

dontunpack

I’m ok with a melt down. Its amazing what happens after!

These things come and go, the term emotional roller coaster is one I’m very well acquainted with!  I let me be me and I try to be better than I was yesterday (whether it be emotional, physical, or spiritual).

1strow

Which do you chose?

Life is about choices. We let things (like being human) get in the way.  We think our happiness is based on what someone else does or what they think of us.
Its not! You choose from minute to minute how you react and what your going to do next!
Sometimes I’m a 3rd row-er. Sometimes, and I really try for most of the time to be a front row-er! Occasionally I’ll hang out in the second row.  Sometimes- mid swell I’ll jump back and forth between first and third.

A Few More Facts

  • I used to be afraid of the word infertility.  It’s a scary word. Its not something I wanted to accept. I’ve since accepted it but not permanently.  Kind of like the quote “I have fat, I’m not fat” ..  I went through it. I dealt with it.  etc. But in the end I am a fertile.
  • I have multiple baby, birth, pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc pins.  Some people may think that its weird.. But to me. I have the plan and the hope that I’m going to need those. I’m not going to just sit and wallow in the fact that I don’t have kids. Like a boy scout, I’m prepared 😉
  • In general and about 90% of the time, I have a positive attitude about life in general and about this journey of infertility.
  • I’ve chosen to work on healing and curing my problems rather than conventional medicine which I believe will just cover or mask my problems or cause worse chaos in my body. I am not opposed to conventional thing but my favorite scripture that has gotten me through a LOT in life is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. and its not time for me right now. I feel like each step I’ve taken and each Dr. I’ve seen has all been perfect timing for me and my body, my husband, and even my babies.

 

time

You’d think I would have this memorized… maybe I need to work on that!

I have a few other blog posts in mind based off of previous questions and comments and I’d love to answer your questions or write something you specifically want to know about so… let me know.
Until next time-
Deborah

Advertisements

The Past Couple of Days…Weeks…Years

 

 

Through life we go through journeys, paths, roads, adventures….all of the above? right?   sometimes it feels like this:

  Smooth sailing!  beautiful day!  happy music playing, full tank of gas!
 
Some days we feel more like this:
 
 
    up and down.. tummy turning.. maybe a little dizzy?
 
some days it more like this:
 
  Mud hole! Spinning wheels! need help! can the help, help or just watch?  how did I get here? how can I get out? 
 
 
Some days it could be like this:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
it didn’t make you stuck in the mud hole but the hit sure hurt!  is there permanent damage?  crap! my tire is flat!   delays ahead!
 
 
 
 
 
 
What about days like this!
 
 
 

  cant think because the surrounding area is too dirty and murky!

 
what about this:
 
  obviously you cant get through it…well I suppose you could but would that be the best choice?  do you turn around?  
 
  
For me the past couple/few years I have been down many of these roads and more!  (not literally!  these are all google images  hehe)!
I have ran into emotional blocks like depression and anger.   I have ran into physical stop signs with issues concerning the goals I am trying to accomplish such as, goal weight, internal issues, and having babies. 
I have come to many closed gates… what did I do?  I got out and opened them!!!  how did I do that?  well sometimes it felt like this:
 
Cold and windy,  no protection, all alone… yet I made it to the gate and opened it to new adventures, a new path and a new journey!
 
I have been on a road of learning and education and I has been amazing!  I do not and will never regret it!  the things I have learned and the growth I have made has just been incredible! 
I am not saying I have stopped learning or growing, nor that I will stop studying and putting forth the time and energy to learn the things that I need to!  what I am saying is…. well it reminds me of stair cases like these:
 
 
 
You have a long set of stairs ahead of you!   But with each “few” stairs there is a break!  you start your journey with one step! you get to the top, you get  break, a drink, a reward, an answer…etc…  then begins the next steps!  you still have the steps behind that have brought you here to this point… and you have completed that mission, if you will.  well do you want to stay on that landing?  no thanks!  I’ll keep going! my goal is at the top!  I’ll take that step up the next set of stairs to get me there!
 
The past couple of weeks (ok it may have been a month by now), I have been on the last few steps toward a landing!  I took each step as it came!  I looked forward to what I needed to accomplish, and I have made it to the landing! 
 
The past few days I have “recuperated” (for lack of a better word) and I have stretched my calves, gotten a drink, and took a deep breath!  and I am SO ready to begin the next set of stairs!!  I am at the bottom of this set… its just the beginning!  But I will make it to the top no matter the time it takes, no matter the cost (literal and figurative), no matter the pain!   I am not alone!  I will and can do this!
 
I am so grateful to my husband, my mom, my sisters, my family, my friends and acquaintances and even some strangers!  For your love and support as I learn and grow through this journey!!   
 
Take the time to live in the moment!  look past the pain to the goal!  When you are focused on the pain, you’re only thinking of yourself… think of those around you! think about those who look to you.  and think of those you’re fighting for!