Are You Serious?

ecardinfertility

I don’t generally think such violent thoughts

Here I am with my up front, read it first disclaimer:  If you read something in here that you have said to me..  I probably don’t remember that it was you. I just remember the pain. I take nothing personal but sometimes we (yes including me) say (or do) things that hurt.

I love my friends and family and do-gooders trying to help me.  I really really do! However sometime people don’t really think about what they say and do before they say it. I don’t hold grudges or bitterness against these people. Its life and its happens. If you haven’t been through it you may just have no idea that it could hurt someone.  And bottom line (to me..remember this is my blog and my opinion and you are free to have a different one) is that how I react or take something is my problem, and same goes for you. If you’re offended.. that’s your problem. If someone knows they hurt me or do something intentional to hurt me, that totally sucks and I’m probably not in acquaintance with that type of people haha! 99% of the time I think people just have no idea that something they said or did hurt someone else. My theory is this: “forgive them for they know not what they do”. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness the past couple months and Its totally freeing! (You should try it)!

Maybe I’m Biased?

I feel like I handle life differently than some people. If I shared this in my previous post I’m sorry you get to read it twice. But I heard of this woman who would totally break down and not be friends with her friends if they got pregnant.  I’m just not like that.  So when people ask things like “Why haven’t you had kids”? or “When are you having kids”? It bugs me and depending on the day (or time of month haha) it may hurt more or less than the previous time I was asked.  I try to maintain a positive outlook on life and my fertility/infertility.  I’m legitimately happy for people when they have kids. I love kids and I think that every good parent deserves them.
Now I’m not saying that I don’t break down and have my moments…  But by the strength and grace of God I don’t stay in those moments very long.

Here are a few things that I’ve been told/asked that my response, albeit internal, has been:  Are you serious?
“God’s just making sure you really want them”
“Have you tried this (or that)”
“Why dont you go on birth control?”
“Just relax”
“You need to do this (or that)”
“Whats wrong with you”
“Whats wrong with him”
“You’re a little behind”
“When are you going to have kids”
..”if you have kids”

-I’m sure there have been more..

People say these things but they don’t mean to hurt.  I take the pain, deal with it and move on. Sometimes its a little harder to move on, or a little longer of a cry. But really I know where I stand with God and I know that I’ll be ok no matter.
These direct to me comments hurt a whole lot less than some other things (I’ll get to that in a minute)

Side Note-

I’m kind of struggling here writing this.. I don’t know if its because I want to make things sound “just right” or if I’m just not used to sharing so publicly…  So please just read at your own risk, and try to understand.

try to understand

Some can, some cant.

 

Understand?

One definition of understand or understanding is:  To know by what is not expressed. Another is to be informed by other and to learn.

I am writing this blog because people asked questions and I want to answer, I want to inform.  I hope and pray that what you get out of my writing will help you to learn, learn what ever it is that you’re looking for or what you may not be looking for (that’s a fun kind of learning!

Groups of People

In person I’ve been an open book. You ask I’ll tell… to a degree. Let me explain. If someone wants to ask me about my issues and what I’m going through physically. I’ll tell them. There are semi strangers, and acquaintances who know what my period has been like the past few months..  My mom, sisters, and nieces know even a few more bloody details!  Friends know whats happening in general with my physical fertility journey. But not many know the emotional ups and downs… Some know it. Some understand it. Some try to understand. And some don’t ask.
I dont care what I get asked. To me I want to serve people who need it (or who God needs me to serve) so when someone asks personal questions I take it and answer it. No big deal.  If they ask an emotional question I may or may not answer. It all depends on the person and the question.
I kinda sorta feel like there are groups of people that I’ve classified people into.
-Others in my same boat. I’ve got a small handful of friends who have been through or are going through same or similar situations. Some of us talk more than others, but we have a quiet heart to heart bond that understands eachother.
-Family and friends. They know what I’m going through and help me when I’m down and rejoice when I rejoice.
-Acquaintances/do gooders. They want to help. And they do, in  their own way. I try to take what they do as good and help them know they are helping.
-People who have no idea. They just have no comprehension of the situation. And that’s ok.

I don’t classify these people to judge or to put them in a box, or even to classify one higher than another.  I think I’ve just kind of subconsciously done it. Now its out on “paper” and it makes sense to me.

More Painful…

prayingfor

I mentioned earlier that I’d get to something that is far more painful than the direct comments. You would think that it would be the direct comments that are more painful. No its the the things like:

“Does someone want to take my kids”
“Kids for sale”
“I dont feel like a human being”
“Being a mom sucks”
“Pregnancy is the pits”
*Complain, Complain
*excuse, excuse
Even the things that go around facebook like the “I’m having twins” joke that went around a while ago. Or the one I’ve seen about what your kids would really be named (ie. Drunken prom night, broken condom, etc).  Just not cool, or funny in my opinion.

I understand that parenting is hard. (I know several people that will argue that I can say I understand…).  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be able to vent or get help and strength from other mamas trying to stay awake at 2:00  in the afternoon when the kids are going crazy.  I’m not saying there aren’t hard days and that we all have to be super mom. Trust me, I get it!  There is a fine line for me, between I understand you and I feel for you vs I’m so upset and I’m crying in my bed right now (and I’m not sure if its more for me or for you).
There’s a difference in how you ladies do it. Some of you are having a hard day and it sucks and you vent and you get on with being a great mama, and you take the love and support from your friends.  Some of you (excuse the french) bitch and moan and dont want anyones help or advice when you put it out there that today has been crappy  you just argue with the people trying to help you!  I think it boils down to the fact that several things need to be taken into consideration here.  Mainly personality.  Personalities are different and people do things differently and I’m ok to accept that. And I feel like its accepted if I can be me. #liferight

offerme

I’ve been pretty serious about this sometimes!

 

I guess my bottom line for this topic is this:
We all have our ups and downs. We all are going through trials. We all want the best for each other. Be kind
If you have the choice between being right and being kind? Be kind! (Yep I stole that from the movie Wonder.. Y’all should go see it!)

be-kind-quote

 

Real Quick-

Because I’m trying to answer questions people have asked me and want to cover everything here’s a couple more things I want to mention.

Someone asked what would be helpful from a friend.  Quite honestly it’d be nice if it wasn’t so taboo.  I understand its personal and even me with some of my other infertile friends I wonder what to say and what not to say.  But a little “attention” for lack of a better word, would be nice. A card, a nice gesture, or something to say I’m thinking of you. It may or may not need to mention any personal situations. But its a journey where you feel very much alone and if you had some kind of “I’m here for you, Youre not alone” gesture, it would help during those low times.

I think it varies from friend to friend or situation to situation. I think you’d need to figure out the balance with each particular friend. Sometimes its totally different what you need from one person vs another.

If your reading this as another infertile gal, its ok to ask for something.
“I need some encouragement”
“I need some juice”
“I need a shoulder to cry on”
It doesnt need to be that emotional either, Just “Hey come over for dinner” or “Lets have a girls night” will work fine too.

If you reading this as a friend of an infertile..  Its ok to ask.  Just please dont say: “if you need anything I’m here” or “let me know if you need anything”

Be specific:  “Can I come bring you Ice cream and chocolate”
“How has your day been? want to visit?”
Heck dont even ask just send something fun in the mail. or post some inspirational quotes and tag your friend.  Or same as above- “lets do lunch” or “lets go to a movie”

I’m drawing a blank for now so I must be done writing..
Keep in touch, ask me anything, enjoy!

PS- Yep I know it feels choppy but if you needed it you found it. ❤

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The Facts Of (my) Life

IMG_4565

Sunrise from my bedroom window

Prologue

Fact is defined a couple of ways. One is a case that is indisputable like: The sun rises in the east.  Another is parts and pieces used for a report (like for a news report or something).  For the beginning  of this post I’m going to tell you I’ll be using both definitions. I’ll share bits and pieces of my life and my story with you and for me they are indisputable.  I’m sharing my opinion and my story how I’ve lived it and experienced it. Someone else may have  similar scenarios or experiences and most definitely opinions.  I’m not closed to hearing them or discussing them I’d love to talk, visit, discuss. But in the end you do whats best for you, and me for me. I love hearing other women’s stories, and I love sharing mine when the opportunities arise. This is private, personal and special and I feel like part of the (many) reason I’ve gone through this is to help other girls and women with their stories and their growth.

women

Am I old fashioned to think its empowering to help women? Independence is good but so is receiving and giving help.

The reason I say these things is because I feel like my story is different from a lot of peoples. I have different ideas, views, personality, etc. I’m going to be real and raw as I write and I’m not holding anything back. I only say that because I hope none of you are offended. I’m not expecting you to be offended, I just think if something comes out that you’ve said to me or something please don’t take it personal. I don’t think we as humans think before we speak or act as often as we maybe should. Me included. I’m sure there are many times I’ve said or done something stupid that hurt someones feelings.  For me the things I’ve been through with infertility are my own issues, as it is with everyone, if you’re offended sorry that’s your problem.

rosesdaisy

I’m a daisy in a bouquet of roses

One last (but NOT least) thing before I get in to the “Facts of Life”.   I am a spiritual/religious person and the hope and faith that I have in God, and my Savior have quite literally been the thing  that keeps me going sometimes. And as I said before: I’m not keeping anything out.

jesusandgirl

He loves me!

So whats it like?

In one sentence:  Its like the biggest argument you’ve ever had between your head and your heart. Let me give you some examples.

Yearly:
Head: *sigh*  “Seriously, another year? Why me? Whats wrong with me? Why can ‘she’ get pregnant and not me’?
Heart: “Look at you go! You’re amazing and strong and look at all the growth you had this year! Look at how many women you helped. Yeah it sucks but we got this! Go me!”

Monthly:
Head: “Will this be the month? Where’s the cheapest deal on pregnancy test? Will I even have a period this month? Whats happening with my body? Is that good? Should I worry? Do I count that as a period”?
Heart: “Celebrate! You’re bleeding!  Celebrate! You have cramps!  Celebrate! Your boobs hurt! Celebrate! Somethings happening!”
*Side-note, I’ve had irregular periods my whole menstruating life, hence the argument example here.

Weekly:
Head:  “So and so announced she’s pregnant- *cry/be depressed*.  I need to go to the Dr tomorrow, I wonder what we’ll do today? I need a hot bath.  I wonder what cycle day I’m on- did I miss ovulation?”
Heart: “I’m so happy for so and so! I’m so motivated to do *fill in the blank*!  I’m ok with life, I can face life with a little more hope and a little more faith. I trust in God’s plan for me and I’d much rather His plan than my own!”
*I’ve learned to trust Gods plan not my own, though its easier said than done.

Daily:
Head: “Have I taken my pills?  Did I take my prenatals? I should have a green smoothie but I’d prefer this ice cream!  I think I’m supposed to start soon… *looks at calendar*.  I wonder how long I’m going to have to wait?”
Heart: “Just keep working at it! Try to do better than days before. Go on a walk. Go sew a baby quilt.  Take a hot bath. Relax. Be grateful. Pray. Love. Listen. …”

~~~

I have been so blessed in being raised by parents who taught me about being positive and relying on the savior. With out those I’m sure I’d be continuously in the “head” scenarios!
My niece recently told me about a thread she was reading on Facebook where the woman was afraid of telling her friend she was pregnant.  This said friend would break down and end up not being friends anymore with people who her friends who announced they were pregnant… To me that’s extreme, and I say that with all the love in my heart. People grieve how the grieve and I don’t judge. I feel for her and her emotional trial. I hope and pray she may gain the hope and strength she needs.  I’ll still be your friend whether you have kids or not, but please don’t be afraid to tell me!

dontunpack

I’m ok with a melt down. Its amazing what happens after!

These things come and go, the term emotional roller coaster is one I’m very well acquainted with!  I let me be me and I try to be better than I was yesterday (whether it be emotional, physical, or spiritual).

1strow

Which do you chose?

Life is about choices. We let things (like being human) get in the way.  We think our happiness is based on what someone else does or what they think of us.
Its not! You choose from minute to minute how you react and what your going to do next!
Sometimes I’m a 3rd row-er. Sometimes, and I really try for most of the time to be a front row-er! Occasionally I’ll hang out in the second row.  Sometimes- mid swell I’ll jump back and forth between first and third.

A Few More Facts

  • I used to be afraid of the word infertility.  It’s a scary word. Its not something I wanted to accept. I’ve since accepted it but not permanently.  Kind of like the quote “I have fat, I’m not fat” ..  I went through it. I dealt with it.  etc. But in the end I am a fertile.
  • I have multiple baby, birth, pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc pins.  Some people may think that its weird.. But to me. I have the plan and the hope that I’m going to need those. I’m not going to just sit and wallow in the fact that I don’t have kids. Like a boy scout, I’m prepared 😉
  • In general and about 90% of the time, I have a positive attitude about life in general and about this journey of infertility.
  • I’ve chosen to work on healing and curing my problems rather than conventional medicine which I believe will just cover or mask my problems or cause worse chaos in my body. I am not opposed to conventional thing but my favorite scripture that has gotten me through a LOT in life is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. and its not time for me right now. I feel like each step I’ve taken and each Dr. I’ve seen has all been perfect timing for me and my body, my husband, and even my babies.

 

time

You’d think I would have this memorized… maybe I need to work on that!

I have a few other blog posts in mind based off of previous questions and comments and I’d love to answer your questions or write something you specifically want to know about so… let me know.
Until next time-
Deborah

Strictly My Opinion….Its Your Choice to Keep Reading

As a side note real quick:  For some reason my wordpress has stopped sending me my weekly reminders to write a blog.  I will try to be more consistent as I am sure you miss reading all these profound insights into my soul! 🙂

Ok instead of putting it at the end I will put my disclaimer here right at the top where you wont miss it! I have two:  1-  This is not meant to cure or prevent any ailments or dis-eases you may have,  (although I will use the words cure and prevent! -consider yourself warned!)  and no. 2-  this is partially my opinions and partially information from other internet sights, books and personal interviews.  please note:  I will NOT be posting links or references (aka bibliography) because the information is out there and if you chose to you can find it! (I say that nicely 🙂 because everyone has a choice and everyone’s bodies are different)

Last item of business:  PLEASE feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments or concerns 🙂 If I don’t know, I will find out with you!

Okie dokie! Here goes….

This is my life to a T.... please remember that not everyone can loose weight! I've tried a ton of things, and no matter what my body says... nope! So think before you judge someone.

I am 99% positive that you have all seen an Awareness Ribbon…right? (please say yes *wink).   So what exactly is awareness?  To me, when I see people with a ribbon or a T-shirt with a ribbon on it, or a saying or a funny thing…etc my thoughts are “Hey that’s real”!   It brings my mind to be aware of that “problem”.  And I’ll tell you what-  I bet its very real to them!  Whether its themselves or a loved one, they are wearing it for a reason! A very special specific reason.

If you don’t know, September is PCOS awareness month.  Also if you didn’t know… I have PCOS.  I am not one to share a lot of personal information  but my goal and dream and wishes and prayers, are to be able to help other girls and women through the physical, emotional, hormonal roller coaster of this lovely PCOS, so I am opening up and talking.   I am facing it,  and I am fighting it!  – I went into a depression a while ago and I was in such denial!  I kept telling myself I was NOT depressed!  Guess what!  Until I faced it, I couldn’t fight it!   – I am not turning my back,  I am facing and fighting PCOS.  I will win!  There is NO question.

So the back story is that I have had irregular menstrual cycles, difficulties losing weight, hypoglycemia, male pattern hair growth, etcetera… there are many lists of possible symptoms, and I have a bunch of them. 🙂    I have a couple of sisters with pcos and so assumed that I had it too.  To be completely honest you could say I was in denial.  “I’m fine, I have no problems”   So fast forward a few years, married 4+ years and SO very badly wanting children…I decided, we (hubby and I) decided that –making a long story short– we were going to see a Doctor.

We started seeing a Naturopathic Dr., I had a novels worth of blood tests (literally the tech who took my blood said “looks like we’ve got a novel here”!),  and following the results of the blood tests, I had an ultra sound.  “officially” diagnosing me with Poly Cyctic Ovarian Syndrome.      ……so what now?  Well the denial (if you will)  is gone, I am out to reverse and …here it is, are you ready? …….CURE  this problem!!!!

“Science” and multiple articles I have read all say they don’t know what causes it and that there is no cure and that it is genetic…..  Well guess what?  I have this handy dandy computer with a handy dandy website called Google, and I have read plenty of articles that told me straight up the cause of pcos.  They have told me that it is not genetic.   Two of the root causes of pcos are Metabolic Syndrome and Hyperinsulinism.  Other names include Insulin resistance and syndrome X.   The root causes of those are…drum roll please….  Bad eating/dieting habits, and genetic predisposition (you’re genetically predisposed…that does NOT mean that PCOS is in your DNA…)  My Theory: I was NOT born with PCOS.  I have, and have had some bad habits. I am working on those, and I am determined to overcome them!   I am curable!  I will not pass these bad habits down to my children!

PCOS is an endocrine issue.  thyroid, blood sugar, pancreas, insulin, pituitary etc…  I have chosen not to do the western medicine approach.  My opinion is with the chemicals and synthetic hormones and endocrine disruptors in the pills and prescriptions it would just wreak havoc on my body, my endocrine system and my hormones.

This is what I am doing health wise to reverse, manage and cure this pcos:  Note that some of these are still a work in progress

Oh a definition of diet real quick is:  the foods you habitually eat…. so I am changing my habits to foods that will benefit and heal rather than cause problems.

I quit sugar over a year ago (after one year I have had it again, here and there, but I am not allowing myself back in that bad habit of white refined processed sugar (aka poison! 🙂 ).  I use honey and coconut sugar when I sweeten things.

I am upping my water intake… if our bodies our 70% (or whatever the stats are) then I am not drinking enough water!

I am walking… and trying my darndest to get to it every day! (I like to go at least 1/2 hour) Walking is one of the best things for you!  I like to add yoga and or pilates too! …still learning the yoga thing… love Pilates though! oh and I have a mini tramp that I use occasionally…pretty sure I should do that daily!….like I said “work in progress”…

I am taking high doses of Calcium and Vitamin D.  Also making sure I am getting a good amount of other vitamins and minerals. I am doing that through food and supplements.

I am getting good fats in my diet (coconut oil, avocado oil). I also take a good oil supplement

I am getting 8+ hours of good sleep a night!  (ok this one is SO a work in progress!)  Sleep is so important though and so are the 8+ hours!   Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise!  I will work on it!

I am doing castor oil packs to dissolve the cysts.  Also other herbs and essential oils also.

Last but not least…probably most important is keeping faith, keeping hope, keeping strong and keeping positive!  Being positive is sometimes what helps me through my day!   Stay up! And stay grateful!  I am a firm believer in “Everything happens for a reason”  being grateful for the not so good in your life will teach you lessons you didn’t know you needed to learn!  Finding joy in the little things will keep your attitude positive and help you look for those things to be grateful for!

I am grateful to be facing this, fighting it and sharing it! I hope that if you’re still reading this you were blessed in some way.  I have a long way to go but I have people who strengthen me and love me along the journey.  I can see where I am headed and I will get there!

Thank you for reading my teal PCOS awareness ribbon 🙂  If all I do is make you aware that this is real than that’s ok.  If I sparked any questions, please ask.

I liked this one…  I am interrupted only for a moment!  🙂

Girl Interrupted 2 PCOS Print

One Year Today

Last year I was really trying to do better with my eating habits.  You know?  More veggies, less bread, less sugar?  You get the idea. 

Well….I felt like I was doing ok…except with the sugar!  I would stop eating sugar…then I had a bad day and wanted ice cream.  or I was in at my moms and we had a family party and we made Ice cream sundaes.  or or  or or!!    there was always an excuse!!

well I decided that couldn’t happen anymore!  so I committed to no sugar for 1 year!  I started that year on June 15th 2013.  It was easy and hard at the same time.   Once I ordered something from a fast food place….oh yah I cant eat this!  so hubby got two meals 🙂  and I went and ordered something else with no sugar.  it got easier as the time went on. And it became a habit to watch closely what I was doing.

I will clarify that I wasn’t extremely strict with things that had sugar in the ingredients, like bbq sauce spaghetti sauce etc…  my goal was to get out of the habit of the things I mentioned before, and all the excuses to have a dessert!   I still ate things like honey and unrefined sugars occasionally. 

So a year has gone by and what has happened?    the number one thing I noticed, and my favorite thing, and the reason I wont be going back to eating white refined sugar?  Is that I don’t have the mood swings like I used to!  I used to be horrible!!  now if something happens like that its not near as bad as it was before and its not near as long!  I am able to “get over it”  super fast!!

I also had fun finding new favorite things as far as “desserts”  like peaches and cream, (or strawberries),  I also had fun finding recipes like sugar and flour free chocolate cake! or my moms famous poor mans cookies with honey instead of sugar, I even made things like ice cream, and candies!  (as a chef its been  fun to create all these things, and experiment with recipes!)

I may eat sugar again… but I will NOT let it become a habit again! 

I recommend it to anyone!!  if you try it let me know how you like it!

 

Someone FINALLY told me WHY!

I will be the first to admit that I thought the “gluten free” thing was a fad, or a fake thing! I couldn’t understand why if we had been eating wheat for hundreds of years why all of the sudden it was the devil! I thought it was dumb, and just kind of disregarded it. Time went by and I learned some things and I still was hesitant but it made me feel better that “wheat” or “gluten” wasn’t the actual problem but it was the Genetic modifications that were bad the GMO’s (another hot topic!) So I was like “ok that makes sense”! Because hundreds of years ago there was no such thing as GMO and so it was not as harmful! Oh I forgot to mention I would hear things like “You have to go off gluten if you want to get pregnant” or “your not getting pregnant because of gluten”… I don’t mind peoples advice and I know they want to see me have children. (and I am so grateful for the love and support). I had gone off of gluten (not 100% strict but 99%, I wouldn’t check in things like soups and stuff where gluten and flours are hiding, but I eliminated Most gluten), for a few months and I actually noticed a difference in things. I also had heard and seen lots of good things and successes with it… so, I don’t know why I stopped… just stubborn I guess!
SO… last week I had a Live Blood Analysis, from a friend of mine. The blood analysis is so cool! Its amazing what you can tell by a drop of blood! So while looking at my blood she asks if I had made any diet changes recently. I told her that I had not eaten sugar since June, I had been trying to go off gluten but I wasn’t completely, and I told her I was trying to just be healthier over all, you know… get my greens and veggies etc…and she strongly suggested to go all the way gluten free! — I told my mom that and she says “I wont say ‘I told you so'” (hehehehe) she was one of the ones suggesting it. — 🙂 My friend went on to explain what celiac disease is! this is what I understand, correct me if I am wrong 🙂
In your intestine there are little hairs…what you all know from High School Biology is cilia! 🙂 the cilia take the broken down food and absorb into your body the nutrients from your food. She then explained that gluten isn’t the only culprit! It is the biggest culprit because of GMO’s (^ see I was right!) But nightshade veggies and other grains can also cause a problem. The gluten or other things go and stick to the cilia and block it from absorbing nutrients, and it absorbs whole particles of food…then your body says “NO that’s not right!” and you get the allergic reaction!
She also went on about my fertility issues and the link with that! Stresses whether physical (the gluten “allergy”) or emotional, put your body into fight or flight mode. Your adrenals are what controls that. when your body is in fight or flight trying to keep you alive, it is using all your progesterone and turning it into cortisol…therefore your hormones are way out of wack! the more you try to give your body progesterone the more your adrenals use it to convert to cortisol and not the fertility areas where its being needed… vicious cycle! So her advice to me was to go off gluten completely. and to not stress! don’t put your body into fight or flight! If your tired (physically or emotionally) go lay down! listen to your body and don’t over work your adrenals!
I am so incredibly happy to finally know and understand WHY Gluten was so “bad”! I will be going off of ALL grain for about a month, and then I will introduce them one at a time and see how I react and what my digestive system says yes to and what it says no to! I will also be keeping a “journal” on what I eat and how it makes me feel, and what it does to me.
If you are interested here are a few sites that I have found helpful for the adrenal health topic. http://www.drlam.com/index.php and http://www.womentowomen.com/
wish me luck on my new adventure and journey to new and better things for my health and for generations to come!