Here I am with my up front, read it first disclaimer: If you read something in here that you have said to me.. I probably don’t remember that it was you. I just remember the pain. I take nothing personal but sometimes we (yes including me) say (or do) things that hurt.
I love my friends and family and do-gooders trying to help me. I really really do! However sometime people don’t really think about what they say and do before they say it. I don’t hold grudges or bitterness against these people. Its life and its happens. If you haven’t been through it you may just have no idea that it could hurt someone. And bottom line (to me..remember this is my blog and my opinion and you are free to have a different one) is that how I react or take something is my problem, and same goes for you. If you’re offended.. that’s your problem. If someone knows they hurt me or do something intentional to hurt me, that totally sucks and I’m probably not in acquaintance with that type of people haha! 99% of the time I think people just have no idea that something they said or did hurt someone else. My theory is this: “forgive them for they know not what they do”. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness the past couple months and Its totally freeing! (You should try it)!
Maybe I’m Biased?
I feel like I handle life differently than some people. If I shared this in my previous post I’m sorry you get to read it twice. But I heard of this woman who would totally break down and not be friends with her friends if they got pregnant. I’m just not like that. So when people ask things like “Why haven’t you had kids”? or “When are you having kids”? It bugs me and depending on the day (or time of month haha) it may hurt more or less than the previous time I was asked. I try to maintain a positive outlook on life and my fertility/infertility. I’m legitimately happy for people when they have kids. I love kids and I think that every good parent deserves them.
Now I’m not saying that I don’t break down and have my moments… But by the strength and grace of God I don’t stay in those moments very long.
Here are a few things that I’ve been told/asked that my response, albeit internal, has been: Are you serious?
“God’s just making sure you really want them”
“Have you tried this (or that)”
“Why dont you go on birth control?”
“You need to do this (or that)”
“Whats wrong with you”
“Whats wrong with him”
“You’re a little behind”
“When are you going to have kids”
..”if you have kids”
-I’m sure there have been more..
People say these things but they don’t mean to hurt. I take the pain, deal with it and move on. Sometimes its a little harder to move on, or a little longer of a cry. But really I know where I stand with God and I know that I’ll be ok no matter.
These direct to me comments hurt a whole lot less than some other things (I’ll get to that in a minute)
I’m kind of struggling here writing this.. I don’t know if its because I want to make things sound “just right” or if I’m just not used to sharing so publicly… So please just read at your own risk, and try to understand.
One definition of understand or understanding is: To know by what is not expressed. Another is to be informed by other and to learn.
I am writing this blog because people asked questions and I want to answer, I want to inform. I hope and pray that what you get out of my writing will help you to learn, learn what ever it is that you’re looking for or what you may not be looking for (that’s a fun kind of learning!
Groups of People
In person I’ve been an open book. You ask I’ll tell… to a degree. Let me explain. If someone wants to ask me about my issues and what I’m going through physically. I’ll tell them. There are semi strangers, and acquaintances who know what my period has been like the past few months.. My mom, sisters, and nieces know even a few more bloody details! Friends know whats happening in general with my physical fertility journey. But not many know the emotional ups and downs… Some know it. Some understand it. Some try to understand. And some don’t ask.
I dont care what I get asked. To me I want to serve people who need it (or who God needs me to serve) so when someone asks personal questions I take it and answer it. No big deal. If they ask an emotional question I may or may not answer. It all depends on the person and the question.
I kinda sorta feel like there are groups of people that I’ve classified people into.
-Others in my same boat. I’ve got a small handful of friends who have been through or are going through same or similar situations. Some of us talk more than others, but we have a quiet heart to heart bond that understands eachother.
-Family and friends. They know what I’m going through and help me when I’m down and rejoice when I rejoice.
-Acquaintances/do gooders. They want to help. And they do, in their own way. I try to take what they do as good and help them know they are helping.
-People who have no idea. They just have no comprehension of the situation. And that’s ok.
I don’t classify these people to judge or to put them in a box, or even to classify one higher than another. I think I’ve just kind of subconsciously done it. Now its out on “paper” and it makes sense to me.
I mentioned earlier that I’d get to something that is far more painful than the direct comments. You would think that it would be the direct comments that are more painful. No its the the things like:
“Does someone want to take my kids”
“Kids for sale”
“I dont feel like a human being”
“Being a mom sucks”
“Pregnancy is the pits”
Even the things that go around facebook like the “I’m having twins” joke that went around a while ago. Or the one I’ve seen about what your kids would really be named (ie. Drunken prom night, broken condom, etc). Just not cool, or funny in my opinion.
I understand that parenting is hard. (I know several people that will argue that I can say I understand…). I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be able to vent or get help and strength from other mamas trying to stay awake at 2:00 in the afternoon when the kids are going crazy. I’m not saying there aren’t hard days and that we all have to be super mom. Trust me, I get it! There is a fine line for me, between I understand you and I feel for you vs I’m so upset and I’m crying in my bed right now (and I’m not sure if its more for me or for you).
There’s a difference in how you ladies do it. Some of you are having a hard day and it sucks and you vent and you get on with being a great mama, and you take the love and support from your friends. Some of you (excuse the french) bitch and moan and dont want anyones help or advice when you put it out there that today has been crappy you just argue with the people trying to help you! I think it boils down to the fact that several things need to be taken into consideration here. Mainly personality. Personalities are different and people do things differently and I’m ok to accept that. And I feel like its accepted if I can be me. #liferight
I guess my bottom line for this topic is this:
We all have our ups and downs. We all are going through trials. We all want the best for each other. Be kind
If you have the choice between being right and being kind? Be kind! (Yep I stole that from the movie Wonder.. Y’all should go see it!)
Because I’m trying to answer questions people have asked me and want to cover everything here’s a couple more things I want to mention.
Someone asked what would be helpful from a friend. Quite honestly it’d be nice if it wasn’t so taboo. I understand its personal and even me with some of my other infertile friends I wonder what to say and what not to say. But a little “attention” for lack of a better word, would be nice. A card, a nice gesture, or something to say I’m thinking of you. It may or may not need to mention any personal situations. But its a journey where you feel very much alone and if you had some kind of “I’m here for you, Youre not alone” gesture, it would help during those low times.
I think it varies from friend to friend or situation to situation. I think you’d need to figure out the balance with each particular friend. Sometimes its totally different what you need from one person vs another.
If your reading this as another infertile gal, its ok to ask for something.
“I need some encouragement”
“I need some juice”
“I need a shoulder to cry on”
It doesnt need to be that emotional either, Just “Hey come over for dinner” or “Lets have a girls night” will work fine too.
If you reading this as a friend of an infertile.. Its ok to ask. Just please dont say: “if you need anything I’m here” or “let me know if you need anything”
Be specific: “Can I come bring you Ice cream and chocolate”
“How has your day been? want to visit?”
Heck dont even ask just send something fun in the mail. or post some inspirational quotes and tag your friend. Or same as above- “lets do lunch” or “lets go to a movie”
I’m drawing a blank for now so I must be done writing..
Keep in touch, ask me anything, enjoy!
PS- Yep I know it feels choppy but if you needed it you found it. ❤