Someday

I am going to get personal in this post, which is really hard for me to do! But it just keeps coming back to me that I should write this! So I hope that means it is because it will help someone who reads it!
So from the beginning….
I grew up with an amazing family! The best parents a girl could ask for! And a plethora of siblings that are my friends, examples, psychologists, teachers…etc.
I have been married now for almost 4 years. I have the most amazing husband in the world! He is such a good man! I am SO blessed to have him! I have an amazing life! I live in the middle of nowhere on a ranch, I have always been a country girl at heart! And when I got married that dream came true! I have a wonderful house and yard that I take care of. And I help around the ranch as much as possible!
Something is missing…
Before I got married I knew I wanted kids, no question! I want to be a mom and have a family! I had my ideas (as a single young woman) how I would be as a mother. I also thought I was going to start a family right away….
Well… 4 years is around the corner and I don’t have any babies 🙂
Here’s the thing: I KNOW I will have children! We have chosen to do things as natural as possible for now. I feel very directed (by God) to be doing what I am doing, and changing my ways and being more healthy. I don’t mind people suggesting things and offering their advice or opinions or success stories. Just don’t be offended if I don’t do what you say 🙂 I am not opposed or against medical intervention or doing things medical. But for me, for us right now this is what we are meant to do.
Going through this journey of beginning a family I have has a lot of epiphanies and inspirational moments concerning parenting. I hope and pray that I may be a good mom, and fulfill the calling of motherhood!
I have also had some questions that seem to be the kind that won’t be answered till I get to the Big Man upstairs, and see what this is all about! Like why are there so many people who want children who can’t? Mean while there are boat loads of babies being aborted! (Aka killed!). I just don’t get it!!
I applaud those mothers who feel like they cant give their babies what they need and they give their babies to mothers who want them! Also called adoption!! If God opens the door for me to be able to adopt I will gladly, freely, humbly, and more grateful than you would even know, walk through that door!! Sometimes I think it’d be nice if someone just came up to me and said they wanted me to have their baby, or wish I would find a baby on my door step or like in the book “Christmas Jars”, in a booth at a restaurant 🙂
Part of me thinks “oh that’s not real”… And part of me thinks if that’s how it’s supposed to happen and that’s how I get my babies than that is Gods hand in a miracle!
I have down days, I have days I just want to cry! I have days that I think negatively…. Luckily those days are few! I won’t loose hope! and I will keep the faith! And I will continue to do all I can to be able to conceive and have children. And I will be positive! I can and will have a family!!
It’s a family joke that I am the favorite aunt…(well its really true it’s not a joke;) ) but one of my epiphanies that I mentioned, is that I think God made me the favorite aunt for a reason! I think He knew I needed it!! 🙂 I am so grateful for all of “my” kids!!
I pray this post helped one of you in some way or another! I Think it helped me to write it 🙂

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A few of the nieces and nephews at a sleepover 🙂

I am Deborah

I am Deborah.  I am a woman.  I am shy…yet blunt (yah figure that one out)!  I have two associate degrees.  I play the violin, and piano.  I am emotional. I am passionate.  I love cooking(one of my degrees was culinary). I love taking care of my husband and our house.  I love sewing and scrapbooking. I love reading.  and I enjoy a number of other things that make me happy! 

Here’s what I am NOT:  a color, a number, an element, a shape….  Now don’t get me wrong!  I Love taking and doing those “personality” tests and whatnot….  I just don’t want to be titled as:  “oh she is a blue, water, square, number 4”!  🙂  I may be classified as such concerning a particular test.  But that’s not who I am!  God created me a long time ago and he gave me the personality and qualities that He needed me to have to face the life that I pre-mortally agreed to! 

I have been blessed in my life to know about and do a number of personality tests and things of the sort.  I have learned a lot about myself and others and it has helped with the way I communicate, interact and accept the people in my life.  Its easy to make assumptions and its easy to judge others.  I believe there are more than these personality tests behind some peoples outer façade.   You may look at someone and feel you know them.  You may know what their outcome of one of these tests was.  But I believe that who we are right now is more than that!  I believe it goes a lot deeper.  Its how we were raised. Its how we learned about life.  Its how we hold on, or let go of the things in life that hold us down!  

I believe that our thoughts and what we put out the “the universe” is what we will get back!  So what I am thinking right now?  What are you thinking right now!?  Here is a small example:  the other day I was thinking a funny thought that I needed a visitor so that I would have motivation to clean my house! (I am not a slob or anything! 🙂  were talking like deep cleaning!)  any way… so an hour or two later my sister tells me that she has a few days off of work and wants to come visit me!!   Yay!    so what I put out…came to be!   

Am I putting out happiness, health, optimism?  Am I putting out depression, pessimism and sickness? 

I realize that I totally just changed topics.. sort of!  They do tie together!  How? this is how:  If you are always putting out that negative “vibe”  than that’s what you will receive!  In turn who you are and your “personality” becomes that of…not so pretty good!  trust me!  what you are putting out shows in your personality and what others see in you!  you cannot hide it!

When someone looks at me I don’t want them to see a façade!  I don’t want them to wonder what is really inside!  I want them to see me, and who I am!  Who I am right now!   and who I am right now is who I have grown into. I haven’t always been this Deborah.  I used to be very different!  I have hade some major points in my life that have changed me!  heres the trick! I let them change me!  I didn’t hold on to the past Deborah!  I didn’t hold on to the “baggage” that could have held me down, that could have been detrimental to my life!

I am forever grateful for how I was raised and how I was taught to see life, and let go of what I need to!  It definitely is an ongoing lesson!  but I keep going!