I’m Still Here

Its been a good year since last I wrote.  It has been a good, full, exciting, stressful, fun, and *enter other awesome adjective here*  year!

Today I wanted to write about something that’s been on my mind lately…  It comes in the definition of a few things:
1-Take care of yourself  and 2-reduce stress

I am the type to always say “yes”!  Not only to others but to myself as well.  I am invincible. I can do that. I can be done with these 20 things in one week. Sure I’ll take on another project.

What does this do? It causes me to stress out and worry and hope everything goes well. Make sure everyone else is taken care of. Make sure everyone is happy.

I am here to tell you, again because I’m sure you already have heard it,  Take care of yourself first!  And its 1000% ok to say no!
I am all about service and helping people and doing what I can to help another in need.  However if I’m not capable of doing it well, I don’t want to help them in a half full capacity!

Over the past little bit of this “I’m invincible” state I was in.  I came to learn (again..this is one of those life long lessons) that in order to help them, I have to help me!

I was overwhelmed!  Mentally, I was stressed and worried all the time. Physically I felt like my “happy space” in my home wasn’t happy anymore and it was encroaching on my happy space it used to be!

So the past few months, actually about 6 to be exact. I have begun to take care of things that need to be taken care of.  Some of it mental has come first and some of it physical has come first. Like in January my mom came to visit and we got rid of about 16 bags of garbage, and about 8 big boxes of things that were donated, ALL out of my kitchen!  And my kitchen isn’t that big!   Its been a bit of a process but things are happening.

My Dr gave me a list of things I need to work on and on the list it said:  Reduce stress- Take care of things don’t take things on.
In my head it was like a light bulb- yes those are the words that I’ve been doing but didn’t have a way to put it! I’m taking care of stuff that needs it to make my sanity and mental state prime!  So that life can be “regularly stressful” instead of “constant stress and overwhelming-ness” 😉

I am making it ok to say “I’m going to sit on the porch with my puppy and do a long overdue blog post”
I’m taking the day as it comes and making sure at the end of the day I say “Check out what I did!”  instead of saying “well today sucked because I didn’t do this and this, and I still have this and this”

Go do something for you!

Just a short note today.. But I’ll be back sooner than next year!

D

 

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Reality Setting In…

What is reality anyway?   I suppose its the facts of life…  That seems like a good short definition for it.

Just over a month ago, my brother passed away.    Through the week of his death and funeral I of course know that its “reality”, because death is fact, its a part of life.  But at the same time it isn’t reality!  Its an emotionally draining, physically draining, “make this happen” type of time, where you’re distracted by things you need to do and people there supporting you.    Having the support of family and friends literally helps you just make it through the day or week….

Then you get back to “reality”,  back to your daily tasks and responsibilities.  And you see his picture and wish you hugged him one more time.   Then  you go to your moms and she still has tons of flowers from the funeral, and her house smells like a flower shop.  Reality says:  Funeral happened.  You see his car parked in moms yard and reality says:  He wont be inside to greet you! many times when I would go to my moms he would be there. Often times I only saw him for a minute, but that minute was worth it!  My mom told me once that Marc had waited at her house to see me, because I was on my way.  I didn’t know how much that meant to me until I wont have that chance again.

I didn’t “grow up” with my brother in the traditional sense of the word.  I am 20 years younger than him.  That kind of makes me grateful because my other brother and my sisters have horror stories like I wouldn’t have wanted to experience!  Eating bugs, and holding pillows while he practiced Karate among them!  I suppose he can hold a horror story against me though 🙂  I spit up in his mouth/face when I was a baby…even though he was warned that I had just eaten! 🙂  I have many many fond memories of Marc.  I watched him and I looked up to him for all his good qualities and traits that I admired! I learned a lot of what NOT to do from my older brother.  But the things I learned to do from him by far outweigh the bad.

I don’t know how it works in the eternal perspective of things, or how God knew the last time I talked to Marc was going to be the last.  But I know the “I love you’s” that we shared were more heartfelt for a reason.

I have been through almost too many family (or close as family) deaths in the last 9 years. No it doesn’t get easier.  I have been affected so differently from each of them.  Each has left a hole in my heart, yet made my heart bigger.

I miss you Marc, more and more all the time.  I love you!!

What will you do?

Ok for starters I can hardly keep my eyes open.. so there’s no telling how many mistakes will be in this post… you love me anyway so you’ll see right past that!

You may wonder why I am staying up to post a blog post if I am that tired? Well I wonder that too!  There is this little known fact about me:  I get a craving to write! I often times don’t do it because I don’t have time or because I cant think of something to write, the writing keeps getting put off either on purpose or not…  But the craving, urge and need to write is still there!  So eleven o’clock on a Saturday night rolls around and here I am.

With it being January and everyone is all about the goals and resolutions, I wonder how many people actually KEEP their “New Years Resolutions” ??  Do you?  I don’t!  I used to make them every year without fail.  I cant place when I stopped doing it but my idea was why make a resolution if I don’t ever keep them?!  Hello?  all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure and sadness, because you didn’t “write a letter to grandma every week” or you didn’t “lose 20 lbs”….

Now let me clarify…  Do I make goals? Yes!  Do I keep them? Yes!  ALL of them, all of the time?  NO!  Is that a problem? NO! If I didn’t keep a goal its because I set it too high.. cue: make it more attainable in smaller steps… And I don’t need to set a goal or resolution to do something each year because everyone else does and everyone else is doing it! I am not one, nor have ever been one to do something because someone else is doing it.  In fact, I will do something different just because no one else is doing it!  So if I want to “exercise everyday”  I can start on a Thursday in March if that’s when I decide I want to do it.  None of this “starting on Monday” or “its my new years resolution” crap!

C.S. Lewis said:  Isn’t it funny how day to day nothing changes, yet you look back, and everything is different…

Why is that?  What makes it change as we look back?  If you are a business man 9-5 kind of guy, life stays pretty much the same everyday.  If you’re a stay at home mom, diapers and animals crackers, no time to pee, go to bed and do it all over again… so I ask again:  what changes each year?  why do we look back at something different?

This is my theory:  Its the little things!

Having your eyes open to forgiveness from your 14 year old niece.

A healthy husband/wife argument that makes you see what to do instead next time “that” happens.

The salad instead of the Ice cream.

The long talk with your mom.

There are so many little things that happen each day that shape us into something different the very next day. I know that I dont always notice those things. In fact, how many of you do?

So back to the new year thing…I am trying something different this year, instead of not making any goals or resolutions, and instead of making a bulleted list of every detail I want to change or do.  I will be noticing at the end of the day what changed in me that day, and when I go about the day I will catch the “this is going to change you” feelings. I am going to look forward each day to being a different Deborah than yesterday. yesterday is yesterday, its not something I need to focus on.  If one day I fall down and make a bad choice, it will become a yesterday and TODAY  I can move past it. Regret of that fall will only mess with my today.

I am very much connected to music and song, specially when my own words aren’t quite flowing.  Imitation is the best form of flattery. So in the words of one of my favorites, JJ Heller:  This year I am going to be someone I’ve never been.  I will fight a good fight.  Train my eyes to see the light.  I will feel alive instead of feeling numb.  This year will be the BEST one yet!!

This was my inspiration for my New Years Resolutions 2015!

Happy New Year Everybody!  I hope this is YOUR best year yet!!

Strictly My Opinion….Its Your Choice to Keep Reading

As a side note real quick:  For some reason my wordpress has stopped sending me my weekly reminders to write a blog.  I will try to be more consistent as I am sure you miss reading all these profound insights into my soul! 🙂

Ok instead of putting it at the end I will put my disclaimer here right at the top where you wont miss it! I have two:  1-  This is not meant to cure or prevent any ailments or dis-eases you may have,  (although I will use the words cure and prevent! -consider yourself warned!)  and no. 2-  this is partially my opinions and partially information from other internet sights, books and personal interviews.  please note:  I will NOT be posting links or references (aka bibliography) because the information is out there and if you chose to you can find it! (I say that nicely 🙂 because everyone has a choice and everyone’s bodies are different)

Last item of business:  PLEASE feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments or concerns 🙂 If I don’t know, I will find out with you!

Okie dokie! Here goes….

This is my life to a T.... please remember that not everyone can loose weight! I've tried a ton of things, and no matter what my body says... nope! So think before you judge someone.

I am 99% positive that you have all seen an Awareness Ribbon…right? (please say yes *wink).   So what exactly is awareness?  To me, when I see people with a ribbon or a T-shirt with a ribbon on it, or a saying or a funny thing…etc my thoughts are “Hey that’s real”!   It brings my mind to be aware of that “problem”.  And I’ll tell you what-  I bet its very real to them!  Whether its themselves or a loved one, they are wearing it for a reason! A very special specific reason.

If you don’t know, September is PCOS awareness month.  Also if you didn’t know… I have PCOS.  I am not one to share a lot of personal information  but my goal and dream and wishes and prayers, are to be able to help other girls and women through the physical, emotional, hormonal roller coaster of this lovely PCOS, so I am opening up and talking.   I am facing it,  and I am fighting it!  – I went into a depression a while ago and I was in such denial!  I kept telling myself I was NOT depressed!  Guess what!  Until I faced it, I couldn’t fight it!   – I am not turning my back,  I am facing and fighting PCOS.  I will win!  There is NO question.

So the back story is that I have had irregular menstrual cycles, difficulties losing weight, hypoglycemia, male pattern hair growth, etcetera… there are many lists of possible symptoms, and I have a bunch of them. 🙂    I have a couple of sisters with pcos and so assumed that I had it too.  To be completely honest you could say I was in denial.  “I’m fine, I have no problems”   So fast forward a few years, married 4+ years and SO very badly wanting children…I decided, we (hubby and I) decided that –making a long story short– we were going to see a Doctor.

We started seeing a Naturopathic Dr., I had a novels worth of blood tests (literally the tech who took my blood said “looks like we’ve got a novel here”!),  and following the results of the blood tests, I had an ultra sound.  “officially” diagnosing me with Poly Cyctic Ovarian Syndrome.      ……so what now?  Well the denial (if you will)  is gone, I am out to reverse and …here it is, are you ready? …….CURE  this problem!!!!

“Science” and multiple articles I have read all say they don’t know what causes it and that there is no cure and that it is genetic…..  Well guess what?  I have this handy dandy computer with a handy dandy website called Google, and I have read plenty of articles that told me straight up the cause of pcos.  They have told me that it is not genetic.   Two of the root causes of pcos are Metabolic Syndrome and Hyperinsulinism.  Other names include Insulin resistance and syndrome X.   The root causes of those are…drum roll please….  Bad eating/dieting habits, and genetic predisposition (you’re genetically predisposed…that does NOT mean that PCOS is in your DNA…)  My Theory: I was NOT born with PCOS.  I have, and have had some bad habits. I am working on those, and I am determined to overcome them!   I am curable!  I will not pass these bad habits down to my children!

PCOS is an endocrine issue.  thyroid, blood sugar, pancreas, insulin, pituitary etc…  I have chosen not to do the western medicine approach.  My opinion is with the chemicals and synthetic hormones and endocrine disruptors in the pills and prescriptions it would just wreak havoc on my body, my endocrine system and my hormones.

This is what I am doing health wise to reverse, manage and cure this pcos:  Note that some of these are still a work in progress

Oh a definition of diet real quick is:  the foods you habitually eat…. so I am changing my habits to foods that will benefit and heal rather than cause problems.

I quit sugar over a year ago (after one year I have had it again, here and there, but I am not allowing myself back in that bad habit of white refined processed sugar (aka poison! 🙂 ).  I use honey and coconut sugar when I sweeten things.

I am upping my water intake… if our bodies our 70% (or whatever the stats are) then I am not drinking enough water!

I am walking… and trying my darndest to get to it every day! (I like to go at least 1/2 hour) Walking is one of the best things for you!  I like to add yoga and or pilates too! …still learning the yoga thing… love Pilates though! oh and I have a mini tramp that I use occasionally…pretty sure I should do that daily!….like I said “work in progress”…

I am taking high doses of Calcium and Vitamin D.  Also making sure I am getting a good amount of other vitamins and minerals. I am doing that through food and supplements.

I am getting good fats in my diet (coconut oil, avocado oil). I also take a good oil supplement

I am getting 8+ hours of good sleep a night!  (ok this one is SO a work in progress!)  Sleep is so important though and so are the 8+ hours!   Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise!  I will work on it!

I am doing castor oil packs to dissolve the cysts.  Also other herbs and essential oils also.

Last but not least…probably most important is keeping faith, keeping hope, keeping strong and keeping positive!  Being positive is sometimes what helps me through my day!   Stay up! And stay grateful!  I am a firm believer in “Everything happens for a reason”  being grateful for the not so good in your life will teach you lessons you didn’t know you needed to learn!  Finding joy in the little things will keep your attitude positive and help you look for those things to be grateful for!

I am grateful to be facing this, fighting it and sharing it! I hope that if you’re still reading this you were blessed in some way.  I have a long way to go but I have people who strengthen me and love me along the journey.  I can see where I am headed and I will get there!

Thank you for reading my teal PCOS awareness ribbon 🙂  If all I do is make you aware that this is real than that’s ok.  If I sparked any questions, please ask.

I liked this one…  I am interrupted only for a moment!  🙂

Girl Interrupted 2 PCOS Print

One Year Today

Last year I was really trying to do better with my eating habits.  You know?  More veggies, less bread, less sugar?  You get the idea. 

Well….I felt like I was doing ok…except with the sugar!  I would stop eating sugar…then I had a bad day and wanted ice cream.  or I was in at my moms and we had a family party and we made Ice cream sundaes.  or or  or or!!    there was always an excuse!!

well I decided that couldn’t happen anymore!  so I committed to no sugar for 1 year!  I started that year on June 15th 2013.  It was easy and hard at the same time.   Once I ordered something from a fast food place….oh yah I cant eat this!  so hubby got two meals 🙂  and I went and ordered something else with no sugar.  it got easier as the time went on. And it became a habit to watch closely what I was doing.

I will clarify that I wasn’t extremely strict with things that had sugar in the ingredients, like bbq sauce spaghetti sauce etc…  my goal was to get out of the habit of the things I mentioned before, and all the excuses to have a dessert!   I still ate things like honey and unrefined sugars occasionally. 

So a year has gone by and what has happened?    the number one thing I noticed, and my favorite thing, and the reason I wont be going back to eating white refined sugar?  Is that I don’t have the mood swings like I used to!  I used to be horrible!!  now if something happens like that its not near as bad as it was before and its not near as long!  I am able to “get over it”  super fast!!

I also had fun finding new favorite things as far as “desserts”  like peaches and cream, (or strawberries),  I also had fun finding recipes like sugar and flour free chocolate cake! or my moms famous poor mans cookies with honey instead of sugar, I even made things like ice cream, and candies!  (as a chef its been  fun to create all these things, and experiment with recipes!)

I may eat sugar again… but I will NOT let it become a habit again! 

I recommend it to anyone!!  if you try it let me know how you like it!

 

The Past Couple of Days…Weeks…Years

 

 

Through life we go through journeys, paths, roads, adventures….all of the above? right?   sometimes it feels like this:

  Smooth sailing!  beautiful day!  happy music playing, full tank of gas!
 
Some days we feel more like this:
 
 
    up and down.. tummy turning.. maybe a little dizzy?
 
some days it more like this:
 
  Mud hole! Spinning wheels! need help! can the help, help or just watch?  how did I get here? how can I get out? 
 
 
Some days it could be like this:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
it didn’t make you stuck in the mud hole but the hit sure hurt!  is there permanent damage?  crap! my tire is flat!   delays ahead!
 
 
 
 
 
 
What about days like this!
 
 
 

  cant think because the surrounding area is too dirty and murky!

 
what about this:
 
  obviously you cant get through it…well I suppose you could but would that be the best choice?  do you turn around?  
 
  
For me the past couple/few years I have been down many of these roads and more!  (not literally!  these are all google images  hehe)!
I have ran into emotional blocks like depression and anger.   I have ran into physical stop signs with issues concerning the goals I am trying to accomplish such as, goal weight, internal issues, and having babies. 
I have come to many closed gates… what did I do?  I got out and opened them!!!  how did I do that?  well sometimes it felt like this:
 
Cold and windy,  no protection, all alone… yet I made it to the gate and opened it to new adventures, a new path and a new journey!
 
I have been on a road of learning and education and I has been amazing!  I do not and will never regret it!  the things I have learned and the growth I have made has just been incredible! 
I am not saying I have stopped learning or growing, nor that I will stop studying and putting forth the time and energy to learn the things that I need to!  what I am saying is…. well it reminds me of stair cases like these:
 
 
 
You have a long set of stairs ahead of you!   But with each “few” stairs there is a break!  you start your journey with one step! you get to the top, you get  break, a drink, a reward, an answer…etc…  then begins the next steps!  you still have the steps behind that have brought you here to this point… and you have completed that mission, if you will.  well do you want to stay on that landing?  no thanks!  I’ll keep going! my goal is at the top!  I’ll take that step up the next set of stairs to get me there!
 
The past couple of weeks (ok it may have been a month by now), I have been on the last few steps toward a landing!  I took each step as it came!  I looked forward to what I needed to accomplish, and I have made it to the landing! 
 
The past few days I have “recuperated” (for lack of a better word) and I have stretched my calves, gotten a drink, and took a deep breath!  and I am SO ready to begin the next set of stairs!!  I am at the bottom of this set… its just the beginning!  But I will make it to the top no matter the time it takes, no matter the cost (literal and figurative), no matter the pain!   I am not alone!  I will and can do this!
 
I am so grateful to my husband, my mom, my sisters, my family, my friends and acquaintances and even some strangers!  For your love and support as I learn and grow through this journey!!   
 
Take the time to live in the moment!  look past the pain to the goal!  When you are focused on the pain, you’re only thinking of yourself… think of those around you! think about those who look to you.  and think of those you’re fighting for!
  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the lady ashamed of being pregnant with her fourth

Beautiful! I love this! Happy reading! 🙂

Tales from the Mommy Trenches

I met you in the elevator on my way back from the pediatrician’s office. It was just me and Wren, and you looked at her fondly in her stroller. When the elevator doors opened, you very kindly held the doors open for me. As I clumsily maneuvered the stroller past you, I accidentally ran over your foot. “Don’t worry about it,” you assured me over my profuse apologies. “I have three children myself,” you revealed to me. My eyes traveled to your big belly. There was an awkward pause as I wondered if I could assume she was pregnant. “And I’m expecting my fourth,” you admitted. “Congratulations!,” I tell her. “That is wonderful!” I see the relief spread across her face. “Thank you!” she says, and I could tell she meant it. “You have no idea how many people offer their condolences when they find out this is my fourth…

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